january 2nd 12 15 in the afternoon

well i woke up to another bad morning

i’m living off my overdraft again i’m 16 pound in our rears

again most of that’s due to trying to buy friends basically

buying meals for people movies gifts

just try and make someone like me

but there we are i don’t get paid for another week if i’ve calculated right don’t really know like i’ve been saying for a long time now i can’t work out money anymore

giving up on dating it’s too expensive

i’ve not been out since 2 30 in the morning on january the 1st

i’m just piling up the black bags outside i’m not even taking them out back i’ve got no breakfast i’ve got food but frozen

and i can’t bother to cook anything

i’m basically living off a few biscuits i’ve got over christmas and nuts oh and that’s the other thing i wake myself this morning i’m now over 16 and a half stone

that explains why nothing fits anymore i haven’t worked myself in about three


i don’t know what to say

me cats are concerned i’ll make sure i’ve got food for the cats even if i’m in an overdraft but

i’m leaving enough coffee basically

i don’t know what else to say

no other plans for the day i’ve got my counselling tomorrow but i’m not sure i’m gonna go i mean i can’t afford to get there anyway

and what’s the point i only get 10 weeks of it i was told i was going to get ongoing counseling and i’m going to get 10 weeks of it so what is the point

they say one thing do something else i’ve heard that before somewhere

don’t know

i might take the christmas stuff down in a moment

it was pointless having it up a bit like the new year clean that was pointless who was it for

atex who was it for

i must save some money up i must try and save some money

i hate being broke all the time

i get no help

no help of anyone

i couldn’t have friends no family

part of the reason i came up came here 18 months ago was to get away from everyone

i’ve managed to do that all right

no one worries about me apart from my three cats


i suppose i’ve got some cash in here well i drove somewhere before new year i could live off that aspect go get some milk

i don’t know what else

i really don’t know what to do

keep repeating the same pattern

the same pattern i’ve been repeating for years now

that’s what made me end up you

i’ll give you some biscuits at a moment boys they’re licking an empty bowl

you need to give them water and biscuits they’ve had food this morning i think as it’s getting colder they are getting hungrier the boys

so they’re back to about three meals a day occasionally

like your babies

i’m trying to leave it until they finish their food though they don’t eat everything all the time

but they are sort of i know merlin’s eating enough thankfully he’s not hungry and the other two are picking at the food

but it just dries out because i think because the heating’s on it dries out too much and they don’t like it so i don’t know what to do

i don’t think i can’t even get online to check me rent because that’s been down for weeks now

and i can’t bother drinking up bad

i think i’m probably over pain because i’m paying the water rates and i’m still paying the same amount of rent

but i’m not sure if that would be covered now maybe i don’t need to pay the rent anymore i mean that could be why i’m in arrears or not in arrears but in overdraft i could be paying the rent

when all i need to pay was water and now i’m paying that i don’t know

i’m trying to check the rent account online but i can’t get through it keep saying the site’s down so don’t know if that’s all from forrest or asham if that’s how you pronounce it i don’t know

oh well i suppose i put the telly on the bedroom in the i’ve had been asleep till now about 12 45 i’ve got up

i had all three boys sleeping on the bed with me merlin enough no he sleeps on the bed in the evening until i fall asleep because when i wake up he’s not there anymore and he you know when i’m awake he’s there all the time so he waits until our guys sleep and then he goes and sleeps on the sofa in the bed in the living room

kevin boys say merlin’s still asleep in the bedroom and the other two are coming with me now anyway i’ll try and um

well i won’t do anything i know i won’t do anything though i’ve even gone off the dating site one because i can’t find anyone and two because i just can’t afford it

but with buying things to impress people or to make people like me and buying things because i’m depressed

i’ve virtually given up buying off amazon i can’t afford it anyway and i was only buying it because i was depressed which is why i’ve put weight on because i’m eating now instead of buying things

so now i’ve got to try to lose weight again because it was down to 15 and a half stone

almost 15’s though i was aiming 14

which is part of the reason excuse me parallel reason why um i didn’t weigh myself because i knew i was putting weight on

i put a lot of weight on just than last month i think oh well

i don’t know

doing i’m gonna finish my coffee put some telly on

i don’t even worry about money i know i’m in debt

but i don’t even worry about money

when i’m in the overdraft i start just stop

it’s funny because i checked my bank a couple of days ago and it was like 280 323 pound i think it was in there mean one day all that went on bills

so i must have a lot more bills than i expect

i don’t know

dwp don’t make it easy because their payments are all in sort of like i get three payments a month two from esa and one from pip and i just can’t work out how much i’m getting coming in i can’t budget anything because i don’t know what the budget is i keep telling people i’m not good with bank banking anymore i know saying it sounds daft you just add the three payments up

but even that is beyond me now

i just need someone to talk to

not to message

or text or send me silly emojis

i need someone to talk to

i need someone physically to talk to as well not just on the phone

it’s very seldom i mean since i’ve been here i’ve never had anyone visit 19 months now 20 months

not unless they wanted something i’ve brought people back but i’ve not had anyone visit

i remember where everyone else lives

why does no one remember where i live

the only people i get ringing on my door

is either the postman

or number three when he’s locked out or delivery people part of the reason why i’ve not really bothered about calling the council back me intercom not working

because what’s the point in them repairing it i don’t get any visitors


oh look he’s dragging on it’s 15 minutes and all i’m doing is whittering away

oh well i might as well end it and there’s not really much to say

anyway thank you for putting up with me