hello it’s 4 p.m on the 30th of june 2020. this i think is diary entry 58. i’m hoping to catch up with jeremy jono i think he stopped at 91. not sure what happened to him

but i had a look at these um page last night and he’s not done anything in about a year

so i do

18 weeks of locking i’ve spoken physically actually spoken to karen today

everyone’s ignoring me in the council i have an email from darren joseph and i’ve told him not to contact me again as i consider it hate crime because the council have not explained themselves and until they do i refuse to deal with any third party i need people to explain themselves as in why hasn’t my nissan contacted me why hasn’t michelle only contacted me why have my two counselors rosalind dory and tony bill contacted me i’ve contacted them directly two days ago nothing there is no reason for me to be treated this way i have autism i have asperger’s i have anxiety and depression

and i have suicidal tendencies i have told people not to call me on private number and today so far i’ve had four private numbers blocked

i need to contact queen’s hospital

because i’ve got a hospital appointment on july the 2nd but i don’t feel safe going and i can’t get out me flat anyway the only one from the council apart from dan joseph that regularly wants to talk to me is the caretaker the last three weeks now he’s been knocking on my door because he’s had rubbish to clear well you know the caretaker is supposed to be clearing all the stairwells all the time not just what he wants or what he doesn’t want

this is my problem with the council because i know what i’m supposed to be entitled to they don’t want to talk to me they only want to talk to what i call mindless idiots ones that put up with what they’re given it’s like oh shut up like the people in the state half of them are breaking the law anyway knives guns drugs whatever driving around in illegal cars no tax no insurance no one does anything you know who i mean

um been a tiring old day it’s the anxiety of having formless calls it plays on my mind i know people out there don’t understand i’ve got thongs over here that he’s taken me forever to actually complete because i’ve got no assistance so a form that would take any other person half an hour to an hour it’s taken me two and a half weeks so far because i’ve got no assistance

i’ll literally have to do it when i can face it i can’t do it and go and these are legal forms

but karen’s going to do her best as she always does but i just want explanations i say 40 weeks i want an explanation as to why people haven’t contacted me in 18 weeks well they see me as a troublemaker because i know the law because i know what they’re supposed to be doing because i know that it’s trying to get away with not doing anything hounds in waltham forest housing useless wolf and forest adult social care useless wolf and forest ceo useless they’re afraid of talking to the public and yet they are public servants go figure i won’t retract any of this until something comes along communication improves or something like that i’ve got you set up behind me the desk is finally working i had to have a desk because i was using the dining table for um the laptop and apart from anything merlin likes sitting on my laptop keyboard it’s a good job it’s one of those fully enclosed keyboards so you can’t get fur inside but we’ll have to clean it out one day merlin yes go and eat your grass merlin’s over in casper is over there tabs is probably sleeping on the bed again he sleeps on there all day and then he comes in in the evening about seven o’clock and then follows me to bed both merlin and taps follow me to bed and occasionally caspy sleeps on top of the wardrobe um i’m finally getting i’ve got linux mint on now i’ve finally gone back to linux mint

reinstalling a proper operating system that detects the intel drivers correctly was a bit of a pain because i went for the

it’s the one based on memphis arch linux manjaro tried that he wouldn’t do the intel acceleration don’t know why

so i had a quick look at what was out there

and i i knew from previous history mint was pretty good and i like the cinnamon interface it’s nice and straightforward and you don’t have to go over the way to shut down click shut down and then shut down and he shuts down manjaro seem to be cumbersome when it comes to shutting down the pc anyway what else is there

i finally got a facebook page set up for these diary entries i’ve uploaded or linked in about 40 of them so far so i’ve almost caught up


i can’t think away

i’ve got lots more shelving lots and lots of shelving in the cupboard now so i’m actually utilizing the cupboard fully i’m just looking for a wall-mounted bathroom cabinet something that i can use that to store the bathroom stuff in because currently i’m storing it in the kitchen cupboard and i’d rather store the bathroom stuff in the bathroom because i don’t need a lot in the bathroom really and then i’ve got the under sink storage thing and that’s fine but i just need something else

i was thinking about putting maybe a medicine cabinet in there because then i can clear out the drugs i’ve got in the kitchen and then use that cupboard for storage and that might be enough to free up enough space i’ve got the big pot now because i had a proper tidy up in the cupboard in bottom cupboard and i’ve got the big pot back in there but it’s easy to get to with all the storage boxes and the cloths and that that was in there to thrown in is now in the larder white coal and that’s fine so if i get a medicine cabinet and put that in the bathroom then i’ll have another cabinet clear that i can put maybe move the caps in and then use the other cupboard that’s deeper for other food items i don’t really like the fact it goes into a bit that you can’t actually get to but that might be better putting the cups and sauces in there cups and glasses i don’t know i’ll have a little thing this takes me ages to work out i have to give it a try look think of it mentally and all sorts of things that’s why things take a long time it’s taking two and a half years of work

to get the kitchen partially organized oh since the last entry i’ve also cleared some stuff from under the bed because i’ve got the two fans out there and i’ve got boxes from under the bed in the bottom of the wardrobe the building wardrobe in the bedroom which is ideal which is what i’ve been trying to get to for two years so i’ve got more space under the bed which means it doesn’t have to be cramped under there i need to tidy that area as well

um in fact i might do that in a moment i might have pizza today because i can’t think what else to have so i might throw the pizza in

fox is a float

it has been a wonderful channel especially the way curling and showing i put a card and i’m going to try and put a card in here to foxes afloat because they’re a great channel but it’s really helped me knowing that other people were dealing with similar issues to myself thankfully colin’s got sean and sean’s been a rock he really has i having watched well i keep thinking i’ve watched most of their videos but every day a new one from about a year ago comes up that i’ve not seen so fox’s afloat have been marvelous for me it’s nice to see people in similar situations actually coping it’s sad to see colin having his breakdowns but it’s i can understand that it’s something that we all with asperger’s with a form of autism we all go through this i wouldn’t say every day but we battle with it every day and we have many breakdowns quite a lot that most people don’t know about and just occasionally you can’t stop the mini break breakdown from avalanching and it becomes a crisis i get that

probably once every seven or eight weeks

all the doubt and frustration builds up and bang it just hits you and you feel totally helpless and totally alone it’s like this goes back decades with me to when i was a kid and i’ve explained to people in the past i used to feel more lonely in crowded situations than i am at home because at home i can pretend i’m the only one here and that doesn’t make me feel lonely

which is why i lost a lot of friends on facebook i’ve dropped a lot of people facebook because you know they were going out and posting stuff on facebook and no one would talk to me

i even had people saying you know come right you have to come around and why don’t you invite me instead of you know feeling sorry for me when i’m feeling a bit down i don’t want that

no i’ve had a little message with um roxy for the first time in a couple of months wish to a happy birthday because that was what we used today

the offer of um popping out with that person that picked up my pills not sure what happened there i said next time you’re in my you know in this area send me a text and nope nothing so 18 weeks now i’ve been here mental health is gradually falling from -3 to about minus three and a half

i am used to being imprisoned that’s the thing i’m getting food deliveries i’m getting postal deliveries i’ve even worked out a way of sending letters without leaving the flat there’s a doc male or something i just need i need to go into dogma and have a look at the configuration thing because it is a bit there’s boxes or something and when they say going to review it i don’t know it just seems a bit weird i’m putting up with it coming out a bit weird oh that’s the other thing i’ve got a parcel sent back to amazon i’ll do that as the very next thing i need to find the seller tape and take the thing on and then i can come down and pick it up whenever they want i’ve been procrastinating about that since i’ve had it four days now um at least i’ve got the shoe box the shoe cupboard velcro to the wall it’s enough to stop it tipping it isn’t totally secure but it’s secure enough so that casper can jump up there without me worrying it’s going to fall over

um what else is there

got a minor crisis on the windows petition on the laptop it seems to have a virus but i’m thinking about maybe changing it to

um an ssd anyway the terabyte ssds are now only about 90 pounds from crucial so i might go along that route and put the ss or the hybrid because this one is a hybrid it’s got partial ssd and mechanical drive and i thought that was it is pretty fast

but i don’t know

i’ve not really i need to take it apart and give it a clean and get some thermal paste and replace the thermal paste i’ve got thermal paste in the cupboard i just need to get it out i just need to give it a good servicing really clean it up make sure the thermal paste is new and because currently it’s hovering at 45 degrees which is okay i had to look underneath the vents last night and they seem pretty okay they’re clear i might put the vax on them in a moment and just see if it can vaccinate dust out

or might save it until i do the hoovering at the weekend

because 45 degrees is pretty cool for an intel chip i’ve seen them running you know idling at 60 or 70 so 45 is pretty good um i’ve done the linux mint cupboards the shelving

i’m still gradually going through these forms this is why i’ve got a desk set up because i’ve got forms but because you know i’m not getting any assistance it’s taking me ages but i’ve already said all that what else have i got oh soldering iron i’m trying to not repair my clock but i think the thermistor for the temperature isn’t soldered incorrectly but to get to it i have to desolder two led seven segment led things and that’s taking longer than i expected so

i might see if we can find something really thin and unclip the front because the cir it’s in two parts the led segment it’s um surface mount led light with a light box clipped on the top if i can unclip the light box i can get to where the um thermistor or the i think it’s a ptc thermistor is soldered and re-soldering test it if i can it might just be a 40 component so that’ll be the next thing trying to find something narrow thing that can unclip the led guides with and then i’ll put the clock back maybe over here i don’t know i’ve had a little move around with the cable in as well so i did have it running from the corner over there all the way along the wall but now i’ve got well they’re both over here so it’s underneath the desk it looks a bit of a mess underneath but that’ll do um i’ve got the facebook page for this video these diaries more or less sorted i’m gonna try and create a new end card

to put the facebook link on then you can go on to facebook and get the i don’t know if it will be published before the ones on youtube i don’t think it will i think it directs back i think that might be why i’m having a problem with the um links because it’s doing a preview but it’s not authorized to see the link or something i know it’s weird because the preview stopped this is why i’ve stopped uploading the diary entries i’ll have to see what what when it stopped that currently this is going out in august

so i might do three a week currently it’s wednesday and saturday

but i might do tuesday thursday

and maybe sunday from saturday

no tuesday thursday and saturday i think i’ll change it to because i need to do this on a regular basis it helps me mentally even if no one’s listening i’m not doing this channel for the views i’m doing it to help me if along the way it helps someone out there then that’s fine that’s good if i am helping someone let me know

i really want to get back

i want to get back to going out but i can’t do that until the council talks to me like a normal human

i refuse to be talked to via an intermediary that doesn’t communicate well and without an explanation i have autism everything has to be explained otherwise i refuse to accept it just ask the few people that have known me over the years

i mean poorly she puts up with a lot from me and she does i think it’s the filipino you know she does put up with a lot because that’s what filipinos do they put up with a lot but it does frustrate me sometimes communicating not just with liter but with anyone it’s like i ask a question and they answer something other than the question i asked and i don’t understand i really don’t understand i spoke to lita this morning and i repeat myself about four times to get a simple answer yes to some question oh it’s just so frustrating people don’t understand colin will understand from foxes as flu and people like us with problems autism mental health problems we will understand but people that think they don’t have any issues they won’t understand us and that makes life more frustrating imagine my life i found out when i was 44 that i had autism and my life up until that point so life even now is so confusing and i don’t understand it i really don’t it’s like i mean thankfully i spoke to karen because i’ve been frustrated that i’ve not been able to actually physically talk with someone it’s all messages but i’ve been sending voice messages uh lately to try and get people to talk to me rather than typing the only people that don’t talk to me via voice messages are generally the ones that don’t speak english in the first place

but i’m trying to send texts less to encourage people to talk to me it isn’t really working so far but i’ve only been doing it today

ah i don’t know

he says having a look at his watch 420 i don’t know when i started about four i think and 20 minutes should be long enough i don’t want it to go on too long um

if there is anything that crops up later as i’ll say i’ll update it but thank you for watching please like and subscribe and let me know what you think of the new end screen i know it’s only got a facebook logo on but you know these things have to happen it’s called progress i think anyway thank you for watching talk to you soon