hello the 3rd of october 2020 and it’s coming up to quarter to 10 at night
it’s been a bad week
as i have expected despite what the initial feedback from julie was at both and foreign the corporate complaint stage 2 went against me they never answered any of the questions all they said was my single point of contact was not under the behavioral policy i didn’t say where they get in the pub where they’re getting the power from what policy it’s under or who actually signed off the policy or the single point of contact procedure why do councils just not answer questions directly if they’re doing something wrong then they’re doing something wrong why make people go through nine months of misery
only to get back to square one i’m on the end of a bottle of shiraz
because why not i feel like getting drunk tonight
basically stop this care plan because after three years it’s not going to be worthwhile anyway
i needed a clear care plan three years ago not now not for four hours a week and not for stuff that isn’t what i needed for
no one believes me anyway
i’m living on a knife edge from day to day and the only thing that keeps me going are my three cats if it weren’t for them i would have taught myself years ago especially because i’ve known him for about 10 years
but maybe about 12 years now thinking about it because i’ve known he said he was about one
and i will literally do anything for that boy
no one wants to talk to me mary is the only one to talk to me when i do get people talking to me online they only talk to me sporadically and then only a couple of times and then they blink me it’s like last night i had a phone call from someone that i went on a date with about a year and a half ago i think it was once down near
and she suddenly called me out the blue but i was online trying to help someone else who’s suffering with the same sort of symptoms i’ve got i watched the live feed from her um the day before and i’m just trying to help her out with getting some cancer and that because she lives on a narrowboat and when you haven’t got i mean it’s bad enough when you have got a fixed address when you haven’t got a fixed address it’s nonsense the system
and that is the one thing i want to get changed in the system that people without a fixed address get psychological counselling via a phone so they can talk to the same counselor every time and have weekly appointments or monthly appointments or as many appointments as they need but do it over the phone so they can do it from anywhere because this is nonsense this woman’s gone through it time and time again for years i think she’s got the same as me depression and asperger’s she’s got all the characteristics and all the symptoms and thursday night when i was watching her live stream it almost brought me to tears i could understand what she was going through i’ve chatted to her online since and she’s found somewhere to get help with the asperger’s or an assessment of the aspergers but i’m more worried about the depression which is a side effect of having autism
so i’m still trying to work out how she can get ongoing counselling i’ve spoken to
some other youtubers that have you know had problems similar to me again i’m not the only one out there there are lots of us out there um and they had to go private in the end which is a sad indictment of um the national health system for psychotherapy unfortunately i can understand why they went private because it is it’s too little too late all the time with the national health service and to get counselling if you don’t really need it and you receive it then it probably worked for him but my council comes once a year for 10 weeks once a week
and it just gets kicking in about the fourth or fifth week and i start getting better and then it all stops and then i’ve gotta wait i haven’t reapplied for it again because i’m sick of reapplying for it instead of getting once a month counselling perpetually i get 10 weeks counselling every 18 months roughly
and it’s a hassle applying for it because you get reassessed all the time i mean this has been with me since i was six since my mum died
and it’s not going to go away it’s a lifelong condition
and the only friends i’ve got are on youtube and they’re not really what i would clap i mean i class friends as people you can phone this is my definition of friend someone you can phone when you need to at 2 30 in the morning any morning
and if you can’t get a reply back from them or they run out to the phone then i’m not a true friend
and sadly i only know one person that would pick the phone up at 2 30.
the trouble is she’s done so much for me i couldn’t ring her at 2 30 in the morning otherwise i’d be waking her up every day so i go online and try and talk to people at 2 30 in the morning i don’t call the samaritans
because the samaritans don’t talk to you they listen and people in my condition like the couple of people i’ve been speaking to this week
they need feedback we need feedback the samaritans is all right if
well having said that i’m wondering who this marines are okay for if all they do is they sit because i’ve spoken to the samaritans a couple of times and i find the email service a lot better than the telephone service because of the telephone service they will just sit there and say nothing whereas if you email them is it fred samaritans.org or something
um if you’re emailing you do get like a conversation going it might be a copy and paste sort of conversation but you do get feedback which you don’t get on the phone and that’s the biggest drawback of this marathon i don’t expect him to give advice but it would be better for the samaritans if they talked to you but they don’t i’ve i’ve literally been on this marines for 10 minutes and they’ve not said a word they’ve just let me talk and at the end of it i felt worse because it’s like i’m talking to a wall
hopefully the microphone fills it all out but most of and that is my saturday normally listening watching big clyde for three hours or four hours depending on and on thursday i watch sasha
from sasha’s narrowboat something rather
the highlight of my week so far has been
i can’t get them up i’ve got the tools in them replacing the bike tires that was easier than i thought
i watched one youtube video on how they did it and i mean i managed to get it didn’t look like it but i managed to get the right size inner tubes and the right size tires whoa that was a surprise
and they’ve gone on all right i’ve just got twisty handlebars around and get the brake and gear cables done and then i’ll have a proper full-sized working bike for the first time in my life and then i’ve got get used to riding a full sized bike
awesome forest council don’t believe what i say they don’t investigate anything as well discovered what they do is they check the paperwork’s correct they don’t actually investigate
and it’s not good enough if you’re complaining about a system then if you check that the system has been updated correctly that isn’t what i put me complaining about i didn’t complain the paperwork was wrong i complained that their staff’s attitude was wrong and if all they’re doing is checking the paperwork how are they checking the attitude of the staff
i feel like it would be easier if i just jumped out this [ __ ] window no one listens to you and those that do for instance the equality’s service the solicitors that deal with um discrimination complaints
they called me this week september the third they called me the end of my period of when i’m supposed to get all the paperwork done and i don’t think they want to take the case on i wish they’d just say they don’t want to take the case on so i could try and find a solicitor to pay for but they called me to say that i’d sent them two months ago the wrong um benefiting time now i’m supposed to send the esa one not the prp one well i was just asked on the phone to send a letter of entitlement remember i’m doing all this on my own with no support
and i can’t guarantee i’m gonna understand what you’re saying and they won’t without the letter of entitlement contact ewp on my behalf because i haven’t got the funding for it it’s catch 22. people in my situation get no support and get no help and furthermore the e a s s i think the initial zone equality is
serviced
and so a lot of the time they don’t even comply with the 2010 legislation themselves and they’re supposed to defending you on that legislation got a gp at hansworth medical center that refuses to call it a non-private number i’ve got housing that refuses to call me on a non-private number every other department in the wolf and forest council will call me on a wrong private number housing refused to do so and yeah they passed all the checks this week because they’ve got it on the log that i hang up on them when they call me on a non-private number what a private number and it’s a falsification of the record i’ve said this for nine months now the paperwork is corrupted by wolf and forest housing they’re putting down i’ve got people to tell me what they’re putting down and they’re putting down that i hang up on them when i don’t get the phone call my phone thanks to true caller blocks private numbers because i get panic attacks i don’t know how many times i’m supposed to tell people this
i finally got to talk to my consultant at queen’s hospital this week after seven months of her trying to say oh we’ve been contacting mr gibbon she wrote one of them wrote to my gp two and a half months ago saying we’re really concerned we’ve not been able to contact mr gibbon
and i thought that was ironic because my gp hasn’t contacted me since he said you would in march he wrote me a letter after four weeks in march
and he said well i wrote a letter to the consultant well phone me up and tell me then you wrote me a letter because you know otherwise i’m sitting here literally pulling my hair out losing sleep they’re supposed to put on vitamin d and calcium they haven’t done that that was a year ago i had that last consultation
i am getting fed up with this life now he’s gone over a hill now all that everyone seems to want to do is move me a little time i got moved from bark and dagdam council because social services there made my life hell my neighbors might be life fail and corporate complaints wouldn’t follow a complaint now oh isn’t that unusual because exactly the same systems open and over it social services have told me to [ __ ] off i’m too well but not well enough to live by myself this is what social services told me
you’re in that gray area mr gibbons they told me oh thanks for that that really helps fine so i can put a pair of shoes on make a sandwich
but they can’t help me so social servicing for us told me to back off
corporate complaints initially three four weeks ago they said oh yes we can understand what you’re going through ms gibbons and then suddenly the review was well we’ve told you everything everyone’s been told that you’ve got a single point of contact so that’s why no one’s answering you but hello good customer practice means someone should be telling me that i’ve been referred back to the single point of contact either the person i email or the single point of contact what’s his [ __ ] excuse oh he’s told me i don’t want to communicate with him so then it should be down to the person that i email initially it should be the person i email to say i’m referring your case over to xyz who is known as your single point of contact but there’s no appeal the single point of contact is arbitrary it’s not done under a policy i’ve been told it’s arbitrary they don’t want to talk to me because i ask all the awkward questions they don’t want to answer
so someone has assigned me a single point of contact which i don’t accept because it takes my rights away and i’ve got no control over it they haven’t sectioned me and i haven’t got a call order so legally they can’t give me a single point of contact unless it’s done under a policy under restrictions which i have an appeal to i’ve got none of that all i’ve been told is this person is your single point of contact
and corporate complaints are a pile of because they’re supposed to investigate the first complaint and that was dealt with by forwarding it over to um a single point of contact again and that’s not how you answer a corporate complaint so this is why i know the answer from corporate complaints is [ __ ]
and that’s what’s driven me over the edge this week i’m sorry i’ve not made any more videos i’ve done three or four videos since the last one but i’ve just not been in the mood to put them up they’ve literally been pieces to camera i had the intention of putting them up but when i watch them back and i watch all these videos back before i put them up when i watched them back even i couldn’t make head a tail out of it so i picked the poor viewer it was rambling like crazy
oh it’s jaeger time it must be coming up to the top of the hour yes i’ll drink a drink would be clay
i go on dating sites not today to find people to talk with because i’ve got no friends and i’ve got no family only mary will talk to me mary calls me she’s the only one that calls me
and i’m quite lucky in a week i get one person that will talk to me more than twice
because then i just get blanked i’ve been on seven eight nine i think with the maximum number of dating signs just to try and find people to talk to said no
and it is bearing me down
i can’t cope with this anymore if it was any other time i’d be this would be the time that i’d been walking down to the hymen park to get totally drunk and fall in front of the road like i did about a year ago except the woman that saved me a year ago isn’t here anymore i think she left to go back home
so i’ve literally got even if it’s live streamed on facebook i’ve got that many people that would be able to come and help me so
it’s only merlin that keeps me going my eldest cat not the other two because they’re young enough that they would move somewhere else merlin has a bond with me he’s known me most of his life he lived next door to me three years or two years and then you i mean even before he started living in my place he used to remember me when i came home from work he’d come in occasionally i’d feed him on the doorstep he’s known me for 10 11 years and i owe him he’s kept me going
and he’s such a cute little black cat he’s just in front of me
it’s the way he tries to cover the food up i’ve got three bows of food in front of me and he’s gone from one to the other to the other and his favorite one he tries to cover up he’s on carpet and he tries to cover it up and it does make me laugh every night bye merlin that’s him going in the background
so the council were a piece of [ _ ] they don’t believe a word i say ian duncan smith is a piece of [ _ ] he hasn’t tried to do anything my counselors are more than just a piece of [ _ ] because roz door i’m not gonna call her by a proper name roz door all this pretentious door right [ _ ] rosalind door
she’s contacted mental health i haven’t even this is the thing that pisses me off gina hasn’t even given me the email address her email address but i’ve got counsellors and people from housing contacting her i haven’t even got her email address
and rosalind door has asked if i’m being moved into social care she hasn’t even contacted me i’ve instructed gina to tell her to [ _ ] off and contact your [ _ ] constituent i’ve only been trying since february when she emailed me back saying oh it’s this covid she hadn’t even read my [ __ ] email
that’s why i told her to [ __ ] off
you respect me by reading my email and replying to it and i’ll respect you but you replied to just oh it’s [ _ ] bollocks and you get treated like a piece of [ _ ] rosalind door
and as for is it tony or tom bell tony bell i’ve not heard from him at all and this invisible counselor that doesn’t actually turn up to any public means in two and a half years i’ve not seen him but he was apparently at the christmas party he can go [ _ ] himself as well the labour party can go [ _ ] themselves i’ve put complaining about my counselors they’ve not even had the response they’ve not even had the respect to respond to it
and all the corporate complaint is
i complained to the chief exec before i got assigned a single point of contact and yet the excuse that came back from corporate complaints is because you’ve been assigned a single point of contact the chief exec didn’t reply to you that’s [ __ ]
i am fed up of being surrounded by liars and half wits and people that treat me like a [ __ ] mad person i’m mad yes mad angry mad because people lie to my face duncan angus he arranged in july i think it was to remove the rubbish that was piling up in the bathroom and he said on friday i’ll text you to confirm it he did not it was a big fat lie i blocked him and i put complaining about him nothing got done
they can’t selectively choose what complaints to deal with otherwise the system will never improve all complaints have to be registered and all complaints have to be investigated not just make sure the paperwork is checked investigated correctly it would be so much better if complaints for one council was investigated by someone outside that council
and indeed to make sure that it was more than fair hello cassidy my little baby to make sure it was more than fair i would suggest publishing a league table of complaints so that people in councils would be actually working to lower the number of complaints not by massaging the figures by actually lowering the complaints by increasing the customer services level but no no one listens to me when i say sensible things like that
it’s like the [ _ ] about the fire extinguisher being blocked with you know personal items march six months ago now seven months ago now a letter came around saying remove all your products and items or we’ll remove them for you seven months they’re still there there’s more personal items out there now than there has ever been and waltham forest corporate complaints have said they’ve done everything right really on paperwork they might have done everything actually practically they’ve done nothing because they’ve not actually come here in march and cleared the staircase but they probably filled the paperwork in saying the staircases were clear but no one came round and checked and i’m [ _ ] off with it all that wolf and forrest do is make sure the paperwork is correct so as long as the people that come and clear the staircase say they cleared the staircase that’s fine because no one checks up on them
where is the cross check i’ve been saying this since february there is no one cross-checking department’s work it’s not just housing it’s all departments who’s making sure that all departments are doing what the paperwork says they’re doing no one they’ll point out to corporate complaints but corporate complaints don’t have time so all they do is they get the paperwork and as long as the paperwork meets the obligations however that does fall down with my case because someone has assigned me a single point of contact and yet to take liberties away from people to take freedoms away from me there would have to be a policy with oversight and they’re not telling me which policy they’re invoking the single point of contact number so if there isn’t a policy because if there was they’d be telling me wouldn’t they if there isn’t a policy then waltham forest have committed a crime by removing my rights unlawfully
but as i say no one gives a [ __ ]
and because no one gives a [ _ ] they’re allowed to get away with it and it’s getting on my [ _ ] nerves now
i’ve been trapped in this flat now since more or less february before four weeks before kobe
and no one is listening to me i have to be virtually on the edge of suicide before i even get the police rap
what has happened to this country
i don’t know i mean i do know we had an influx of immigrants in the 80s not the 50s and 60s we didn’t get that many over back in the 1560s we had an influx of immigrants in the 80s and 90s especially because when i was at school in this 80s there was hardly any immigrants asian and black children three four maybe in a year hardly anyone but as soon as you got to the 90s i can’t remember what happened in the 90s something happened that encouraged i think it might have been the nhs with all the asian doctors and that coming over because a lot of doctors were retiring so we had a lot of asian doctors been recruited from india
and of course they bring their children over blah blah blah
and i think it was back when the nhs had a lot of retirement that we added the influx of immigrants
because i always seem to have problems with people
either children of immigrants or immigrants themselves and it’s like a clash of cultures i was brought up in the british culture where generally we respected each other please and thank you and queuing and all that sort of stuff that’s how i was brought up and that’s how people of my era were brought up and yet you get people from other countries that don’t have that as a culture and they come over here and because they get positions of power over you they start inflicting their low levels of culture on you when they should be adopting the native culture they’re trying to force their culture on you and i’m not going to take it i don’t accept it i was brought up differently to them i have a better education than most people because i taught myself
i went through the normal school system but i had to teach myself all the major bits because they didn’t cover it in school so i watched an awful lot of documentaries a little a lot of open universities i read books i listened to radio listened to radio 4 a lot when i was a kid
and i’ll watch an awful lot for youtube documentaries man you have to be selective because not all the stuff on youtube is thoroughly researched i like the bulk of the quantum stuff the quantum mechanics stuff i sort of know quantum it changes from month to month quantum command mechanics so it’s hard to keep up with it all but the basics of quantum mechanics are understandable
i do think that they’re missing a point on quantum mechanics because i think that it looks weird because we’re watching in 3d and i think the universe isn’t in 3d that’s why it looks weird to us there’s at least another two or three dimensions that we’re not seeing and as a like the duality of light the double slit experiment that sort of stuff
i’m sure if we could see five or six dimensions we’d be able to understand it more have to make up theories about wave and particles of light to make it understandable about waveform collapsing if you investigate it things like that i’m sure if it was like if we could see another two or three dimensions it would make total sense to us but we can’t but just because we can’t doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist as far as we know everything we see is 3d and yet all we see is 3d so we can’t we don’t know that everything is 3d we might be seeing stuff that we say is 3d but really it’s a 5d interpretation because of how it interacts with our 3d universe
so i think you know quantum theory is weird but i sort of understand it i’ve always thought ever since i was a teenager i’ve always thought of light as wavy calls not particles or waves wavy cools which is like a particle with waves in it i haven’t quite worked out how the double slit experiment works with that
but somehow this packet of waves splits and interferes with itself i don’t think it actually goes to both slits but that is ridiculous if you think about it
i don’t think it actually does go through two slits i just think the act of it going through to one slit means that it breaks up the wavy core into two waves so it’s like bursting a balloon and the light is the thing encapsulated by the balloon and if you burst the balloon the wall goes everywhere for instance if it’s a water balloon but until that point until you burst that balloon by going through the filter the slit then it’s just a balloon but going through the slit breaks the balloon into waves and i think that’s the best explanation i couldn’t tell you the math or i couldn’t work the maps out to make it valid but i think that’s a valid explanation that the light light comes in particles but the particles encapsulate waves a bit like a cell has a nucleus in the middle the cell is the particle and the nucleus is the wave and if you send a particle for a slit it breaks the cell wall and it lets the waves out and the waves will interfere with itself and give you an interference bound
how that works when you’re watching it or you’re not watching it not sure because in on my little plane if you send a particle through a slit or break into waves and have an interference but that’s not what happens
so there’s something else that is missing between conor mcgregor and my view who knows it could be something to do with wibbly wobbly tiny why me stuff like they said in doctor who it might have said he’d been saying jess but i’ve always thought the time was that wibbly wobbly time you mind stuff ever since i was a kid i’ve always seen time as like a bunch of strings all wrapped up in a bowl and your string interacts with other strings and if it touches another string then it will see what’s on that bit of that string hence the reason we get ghosts and spurious effects
i’m going to stop shortly because i don’t want this to be too long and going by that clock i’ve been going on for 38 minutes already
i’m back to where i was about two and a half years ago just after my initial breakdown
and i’m feeling rather unloved
i’m totally it’s go now finally because
i don’t know why it feels like she doesn’t listen to me because she doesn’t answer what i ask her and she answers something totally different and anyone that has ever known me has hate known i’ve hated people not answering questions that i put to them worse than being ignored if she said nothing i would be able to cope with it but she she would answer questions i hadn’t even asked and it’s like well did not hear what i said and i’m fed up or repeating myself
i’m going to go back to watching big clive it’s 10 30 now he’ll probably be on for another hour and a half two hours
and then i’ll go to bed the boys have been fed all i’ve got to do is have tablets the last little bit while cheers everyone
and then struggle to get out of bed again tomorrow i suppose
shall we see who they are from
get them to replace the cables
and um for the first time in my life i love a full-size working 21 speed bike i think
i’ve had you know still in the archer bikes i bought one of them when i was a kid he’s old enough but it was far too big for me i couldn’t ride it it was you know i was only like 18 or something and it was really huge like preacher bike it was heavy he had three gears and it worked but it was just too big for me this one is about the right size i’ve got new tyres and new tubes on it all i need is the gear cable with the brake cables done
because when we get locked down again i want to have a decent bike i can get out because i’m not going to get any help from the council i’m not going to get any help from mental so health services
i’m getting so confused by the contact i’m getting from mental health they might as well just not call me one moment they’re saying they’re going to get a call from the asperger’s support group who call me and then hang up after two minutes and then i get a call back from gina saying that it’s not mental health that’s going to be calling me it’s going to be someone else because i’m not dealing with this burgers group directly they’re going to go for a third party who’s going to be getting the payments from the council blah blah blah and i still don’t think i can afford it because i’m not on the higher rate i’m not on the real support level i can’t afford 130 pounds a week
i mean i’m only getting i think
about 80 a week on pipe and yes i don’t mind paying someone but i don’t need clinical support i don’t need 25 pound an hour support i need an admin sport maybe 10 pound an hour where do you get admin support from that you can spend your prp on to get help around filling forms and things like that on a one-off basis i don’t know i keep hoping that next week isn’t going to be better than the last but
i don’t have any confidence that next week will be any better than this week i’m fed up with the housing ombudsman because i can’t see what they’re going to be able to do i’m fed up with my solicitor because they don’t seem to do anything i’ve got to find the strength to actually put complaining against my solicitors karen bellamy has been the only council that’s been helping me spoken to her in months now
my two councillors haven’t given the top
as far as i can see i’ve actually written asking for a copy of what he sent to the council several months ago not received a copy of that i’ve put free information requests in about complaints of bullying not had any feedback on that and it just goes on and on and on i’ve got to constantly check emails and see which one’s expiring and follow her up and i can’t bother anymore anyway i’m sorry about tonight’s month i’m sorry about all the gaps in here i was trying to do two a week
but i don’t feel safe putting these up in real time i’m putting this up in real time tonight because i don’t think there’s any more left i think the last ones would have been august so i’m about four or five weeks short of a video so i’m gonna try and start doing these properly again more real time
anyway i hope you people have a good night and i’ll speak to you shortly thank you for watching who cares if you like it and subscribe i’m doing this my own news anyway
you
