Hello and another entry I’m doing a lot of double entry in a single game now. Mother’s Day, for me, means hidden away room.
I had a few last sleep this afternoon. And Jack potato for dinner. Basically, they were normally do on Mother’s Day. And overt humanity. Because humanity doesn’t really. Do anything for people like me. Back in Backman, I would normally try and get down to my grave and my mum’s graven today. I haven’t visited my mum’s grave in years now. But I I did try doing some karaoke a moment ago, but. Can’t be bothered. Not in the mood for karaoke. I spoke to someone online a couple of times today. Young Filipino woman. Don’t know what a name is. She just goes by the same name of simply me but. Hell, there’s an awful lot of simply means on. Am I still getting? I have to keep checking cause I did a recording yesterday or date four and there was no sound I’ve got. The Holly is playing in. The background but I can’t have it on because I get a copyright strike. I really don’t. See where my life is going to go. It’s pretty crap at the moment. It’s pretty crap most of the time. But I’m so scared of leaving my place, I can’t even throw more rubbish away. I’ve said this time and time again. It’s not healthy for it to be stored in my flat, but. How am I supposed to get rid of it? The Council keeps saying I’m refusing to take my rubbish out when I’m refusing to put myself in harm. Every time I go out, I have to. Have a basically 3/4 hour rest. Just because of the way it affects my blood pressure and heart rate. I can’t stand my neighbours, man. Three of them meant moving, separating their troublemakers. The Council knows this. Oh, I don’t want to keep going on bills and gowns. I’ve just put another complaint in against the police because they said they was going to call me on Friday. It’s now Sunday. No one called me, no ones even explained to me why they haven’t called me. It just feels like. I’m a ******* nuisance to everyone. I get more people watching this in Arabic than I do in English. Can you get that? I saw chimney online last night. Cindy or whatever her name is. Send a message, she replied back to me then. Blocked me. What’s that all about? These are the sort of ******* ignorant people I’ll get surrounded by. And we’ll put my beer in my number. When you’re trapped in four rooms for the what seems to be the rest of your life, and you’re gradually running out of space because you’re paying for a flat to. Store rubbish in. And because my racist council, Waltham Forest Council. Don’t give a **** about anyone if you’re not black. Apparently under my observation. It’s only the black people and non British people that get any. Treatment round here. I wonder if I’ll get my freedom information request. I’ll try this week to go through my old free information request and see if they’ve all been fulfilled or ignored. It all depends on how I feel though. At the moment I can’t bother because I don’t feel too good. My skin is itching all the time. I’ve got scamps and sores all over me. Where I keep scratching so much because I can’t have a shower. I’ve cut my hair short. Because it was itching so much yesterday. And I had to be really took a long time because I had to be really careful. I didn’t get any damning back. Because I can’t really. Get it off my back. That easy without having a shower and I can’t. Have a shower. I’ve got two episodes. Up online now. I haven’t done any subtitling this weekend. So I’ve got. I’ll have this one as well. So three to do tomorrow. I’ll start putting them up day by day, I think so. I’ve got a couple of days in hand. Fed up of actually complaining to get nowhere, I wouldn’t mind if I was getting somewhere. But I’m at that point again where I can’t be bothered to put complaints in all the time. It’s like when you call the police and they don’t come out, you stop calling the police. I have. My neighbours have broken the law every day. I’ve said that on every report and no one comes down. My neighbours put complaining about me. They come straight there. They’re black and white. You tell me. The police aren’t racist. The police don’t even call me back. Hate crime happened 3 weeks ago. Unless they’re getting the complaint about the hate crime not being investigated, but they’re investigating the complaint, the actual crime. I showed the officer on Friday, you know, all the hate crimes that have gone on that I’ve showed him the recording of people saying they smoke cannabis, that they’re threatening me. I’ve shown them a calling. None of them have been investigated. Can be something to housing. Yes, housing had a word with them and they. Denied it. How can you deny it? There’s a video recording. It’s a struggle for my intervenes because I’m doing it all by myself and I’m not very well. And this is making me worse and worse. Oh, look. 13 minutes of mumbling again, boys and girls. Ohh it’s not 30 minutes, isn’t it cause? It started at about 5:00. Ohh, I don’t know. I’ll have to look down here 8 minutes, yeah. I was playing about with the sound on that to make sure because I’ve been trying to do some karaoke so I have to just the sound. Levels when I’ve. Done the karaoke and keep looking down to make sure that there’s noise coming. Through the sound. Or, though I swear blind on the one I had to delete yesterday with no sound, or I was getting sound coming through the microphone levels that really confused me. That one. And the other thing that happened tonight when I tried doing this. One the time when. The script for the time stopped running and I don’t know why. You have to remove it and re add it and. Then put all. The from the codes in. To get it coming back again. At least the picture and the. Sound rule right there. I’ve got a fairly decent format now. I’m losing the world to live. It is only the boys that. Are keeping me going. Tabs. Can you see? Yeah, just over in the corner there, tabs. Casper is on. The wardrobe because of my nice little. Bed up there. For so, sometimes Caspian mornings share it. Which is good of knowing because. He doesn’t like sharing. It’s a very lonely cat, normally. I haven’t changed the sheets on the bed for about four weeks now. I was going to try and do it this weekend, but I still can’t be bothered. What’s the point in changing your shapes if you can’t get clean yourself? I had to have washed down yesterday because. The XML was coming back so I just got soap and water on my eyes and face and my arms and upper body and I just walked down. I was on a shower. It was just. A like a bed bath. I’ve got no one to talk to. I spoke to that woman this morning. In video call. And that was nice. Having someone speak to. But the best I get normally is the odd text message. I’ve stopped texting. Or messaging people or wanna see if they message me first. I’m fed up of forcing people to talk to me. I don’t know. What I’m going to do when I. Run out the room in the bathroom. Why has it taken so long to organise? Some rubbish collection. Why have Wolfram Forrest stopped talking to me? They were talking to me before December. I’ve told the Housing Ombudsman that they’ve stopped talking to me, probably because they’re talking they’re doing investigation. No one seems to care. I’ve talked the Ojo and they’ve given them another four weeks. So that’s another four weeks ago, a week before anything might get done. I really don’t know people. I’ve started talking to. A woman in London from Thailand. And she seems nice. But unless I can get my freedom back. There’s no more poetry talking to anyone. Now I can’t get my freedom back until the Council with three tenants. Two of them are easy because they’re overcrowded and the other ones are nasty troublemaker. Self confessed criminal and they don’t hear anything. Breach of these penalty, they don’t do anything. I spend all my life. Night and day. What my life has come down to. And I can’t believe what it has come to. A few years ago. When I thought I could trust people and I thought I. Had like work. And a good job. And decent money coming in. I’m not used to being poor. I’m used to having a decent income. I was an IT consultant I was on. Ranging between 28 and 36 K. So yes, I’d rather go back to work. But thanks to the people I used to work with. Especially the last couple of companies. Liars. I can’t trust people. I’ll never work again because I cannot trust people. I need everything put in writing and confirmed in triplicate virtually. And even Leonard don’t trust them. I’ve been ****** over by so many liars. I can’t stand liars. Don’t anyone get this? What do I have to say to actually convince people or can’t stand lines? See, that’s one light on in the background. And I think that’s enough because. If I put that one on. It floods out too much. I think that’s enough. Another day, another Mother’s Day over. Almost. I avoid TV because TV’s normally full of old this for Mother’s Day and that for Mother’s Day and even the run up to TV Mother’s Day is all full of adverts for Mother’s Day. Where’s the point? I’ve never. Been able to celebrate Mother’s Day. I don’t remember one Mother’s Day. With a mother. Because my mum died when I was 6. And I don’t worry. Do you remember very much? Apart from at school in Junior School when there was making cards for Mother’s Day? They’d always turn around and say, Billy, you can make one for. Your dad instead. What the one that used to beat me? With a 3 foot piece of cane. Yeah, let’s make a Mother’s Day card. For me, dad. And that’s literally what it was. A Mother’s Day card for my dad. He already felt emancipated. I. Think the word is. Happy Mother’s Day, dad. Ohh yeah, let’s just remind him 3. Or four years after his wife died, that his wife died. That was a good idea. I could do with a beer but. Didn’t get any easily. I keep thinking about vodka. Just getting some vodka and put it in the fridge. I don’t know. No variable done again in 17 minutes. I’ll have to. Remember to reset the clock up in the corner. Because that’s not how long I’ve been here for. I was testing it 5 minutes, that’s why. The clocks are out. Because of the date and the time and all that, and for some strange reason the format keeps moving the year, the date keeps moving right. So the last digit is missing off the screen looks fine now, but whatever be up tomorrow it will be gone. Don’t understand that. Let me have a look. Speaking to a woman called Anna currently. I don’t mean she’s currently called out. Currently, I’m speaking to a woman who he’s called Anna. Oh, it’s so confusing my life. Ohh she oh, I suddenly don’t. Never noticed that yesterday. She’s my age. Have tail bug skin. So many people look a lot younger than. They actually are. Maybe I’ll just look old. Because the life I’ve had. I know I’m not suffering pain like some people that. Bad in life. And I’m not, you know. Disabled by missing limbs and things like that. But when you’ve had 54 years. Of abuse and lies and lies about abuse. My family’s got a ******* treat. They really have. So-called family. I remember writing to my uncle several years ago, didn’t get a reply back. I used to send him Christmas cards as well. Never do anything back. I only used to get Christmas cards from my sister in my hours because I’d send her one and when she received mine, she’d. Send one back. And I know that’s true because I tested it one. You didn’t send her one and she didn’t send me one. So there we are. That just goes. Prove what ***** ** **** she is and always was. And the other sister. Lives somewhere. No one will tell me. Not that I really want to get. In touch with. Our everyone piece of ******* **** they are. Always lying, always trying to get me in trouble. Always planning on getting me hit. By my dad. And you were trying growing? Up with two older sisters. And you’re the only boy in the house. I have a brother. But he was never home. He was always out. So of course I was the one that my two sisters picked up. At least until Carol moved out and eventually moved to Wales. *******. Good ruins to her. Fat lying *****. No other mum. Never really had a third. And of that, brothers and sisters. My brother died when he was 24. And he didn’t really ******* like me either. All my life. I’ve tried to buy friends. Buying silly pencils for 50 pits? Corwin. You know, giving people pocket money and things like that. I never used get pocket. Money from my life. My dad and my brother tried it. I was getting a pound a week or something, 50P from each of them. And that went on for about. Five or six weeks, I. Seem to remember Whoopi do. Because they had epilepsy, I wasn’t allowed. To go out by myself. So I’ve got used to not going out. And then I came to leave school. And I just assumed I was unemployable. The doctor said I’d be dead by. Thomas, 20. I don’t know why. Because remember, I was too young for them to talk to me, so they spoke to my dad in the same room. People like him don’t live beyond twenty, they said. So I sort of like gave up at school. What’s the point in putting your effort in if you’re gonna die by the time you don’t? That’s what the doctors told me. And then I realised that, you know, maybe they were. When I got to 25 and I outlived. My brother basically. Are abusive. When my dad died, I had abusive relationship with the woman I’m married. I married her because I was lonely. I wasn’t used to being in a. 3 bedroom house by myself. So I decided to get a. Pen pair to talk to. And this pen power said she was coming over. And then she moved in. And then. I couldn’t get. Rid of her. It was nice. Having her ran out for a while. But she was abusive. Threatening with scissors and knives and. Throwing things at me. Worked, but too bad. When I eventually got out the civil service. Although I think the civil service. Was good for me. It will a lot of pressure looking. Back on it. It was quite easy work. And I sort of had some friends back then. Bernardine was my best friend in civil service. But I lost touch with her as well. I tried keeping in touch with her via Facebook. Am I still recording? Yes, I moved my phone. You saying it’s always something when I do something? Yeah, so I tried to keep. It in touch with Bernie. Oh, in that friendship. By knocking on our door at 3:00 o’clock in the morning when she left the party without telling me. I went out because she invited me to her birthday at a bath day a but a party. Over in Harold Wood somewhere. Posh area Big house can’t remember Brody, Anna’s friend or something? Black Hole was back then. I didn’t really mix very well. So because I was bored out of my head, I went out and sat in my car for a bit and eventually fell asleep. Then I woke up and went back to what I thought was the party. And actually wrote the paper up. I didn’t realise the part was over. And was told that she’d left. Couple of hours ago. Nice of her to worry about me. I thought people looked after each other when. They went to parties. But no, apparently not. I was just there for a lift. That’s what happens on me because I couldn’t drink because I was taking medication. I didn’t drink alcohol back then. And I was driving every day anyway, so I didn’t drink anyway. Only at the weekend. I just get used to useful lifts. If it weren’t for the fact that I had a car. And I was the nominated driver. I don’t think I would have gone out. Boys and girls. Laughter, ***** ** ****. And then you die. I just wait to die every day. There is no point in living. If it weren’t for Merlin and the two other boys. I would be dead. I would. Be better off dead. I wouldn’t have to go through this misery, so either by liars and racists. I know, Dung said recently when I told her what’s going through, maybe that. Getting diagnosed with autism. Wasn’t a good thing for me. And I yeah, I can see where she’s coming from, but I’m not using the autism as an excuse. It’s just I would be behaving like this anyway. Whether I was diagnosed or not. I have always behaved like this. I was too scared to leave my house. Only when I got divorced in 2001, I wouldn’t leave my house unless I have to. Workshopping that with a beer. I wouldn’t go. Out because I was always. I was always looking out for my ex. She tried killing me on the birth date after we got divorced, so she’s not exactly the easiest woman to walk, you know, face to face in. The street with. So I never I didn’t leave my house for about 18 months, almost two years. I think it was. So this you know not going out is not a new thing for me. I get easily frightened. I’ve always had panic attacks and anxiety about all sorts of things, but there’s no record of any of this. Back then, there was no record for any problems that blokes had. Being terrified or scared, there was nothing you couldn’t ring the police. I went to the police and they came. Man commands better than misses.
She was having.
A go at me and they won’t know what. She was like, that’s what I’ve had. To part with. And women think they got it bad now, but. Personally, but that’s Sarah. Visual thing I would have signed everyone £1000 for breaking curfew for breaking COVID. Doesn’t matter. Someone’s dead. You’re in a lockdown. You get fined. That’s what it should be. None of this namby pamby, or we’ve got it all come into going home. No, they’ve been told to stay at home and if they’re not staying home, they get a fine. You shouldn’t have to negotiate with them. They negotiate with criminals when they’re coming out the bank. Ohh. Please take that money back. No. You’ve got money in your hand. You’ve taken it out the bank, you get nicked, you don’t get asked to take it back in the bank. So while they namby pamby with people that are broken COVID. Why is it two different standards? You break COVID. You get nicked. The rubber bank you get nicked. I don’t care. This place has formed into anarchy, and it’s nothing to do with Brexit. We’ll be formed into anarchy for years before. Oh. I’m gonna go, girl and I’ll speak to you tomorrow.